I don't want me to ever be like this....this feeling of lost inside..not seeing anything that is beautiful around me..not being able to enjoy anything I eat or drink....a cup of coffee that used to be sultry to my taste just went bland..and the palm trees that used to sway for me seemed ominous in my sight..everything went dark and black and just not existing in my world...and I know when it all started....
it started when we drove through those houses you wanted me to see..those big mansions you said we deserved...and you went on and on about the things we don't have that others do..and I'm used to these moods of yours I know..but this time it hit me too...made me wonder about "our life"...wondered in panic..thinking what sort of life we have when we dont have the right" things you point out....and you don't know the panic I felt inside because I listened to you venting your frustrations.....wanting to undertsand.....and so..your frustrations became mine....
And I lost all color....
And everything I saw became blurred....
And everything that I did just felt wrong....
And nothing that I do is just enough to reach what we ought to have...
and I felt our life was a waste..and...that...everything in me...was just plain stupid....and what a burden I am to you....
and that's not what you mean I know..I know....
you want to strike out on your own..and you want me to say you can do it....this time around....
but what you don't realize is that no matter how many times I say I believe in you..if you don't believe in yourself there's nothing I can do....
and that I believe our life is fine as it is....until of course you pointed out what our life isn't....
It isn't loaded with luxury....
and deep inside I felt a hurt thinking why don't I have that house?....aNd I thought more of the things I didn't have..
and the more I thought about it...the further I sank....
but you don't know this...
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3 comments:
So you have said on several occasions that my words were like yours... and I will say it back to you here.
I have soooooooooo been where you were when you wrote this post. Not the reasonings, but the feelings. There was a time when I didnt even find my dogs cute... It actually was an AH_HA moment for me. Taking antidepressants really helped me to level out and deal with my issues. I am not saying you need them, just saying that that is what helped me... that and 9 months time. Time heals so much.
I could just write and write about what I think... but this is your world. So I ask you, my friend, which bits in here bother you the most and what can you do about them?
There will be some that you cant change overnight... ie you wont be getting that mansion tomorrow... but if it is what YOU value, then go for it. I will warn you that big toys and nice things dont make a happy home. (I probably should be telling your hubby this and not you right??!?!?!?lol) People who focus on what they are missing and not on what they have are rarely content.
I love that you love your home... your life... dont let his temporary insanity get you. He probably knows how to let it pass through him. You absorb it. Dont let it get the best of you.
You are a 'flare'... not just a spark of life, but one that would take a tidel wave to extinguish. Just hold true to yourself and be mindful of YOUR dreams.
One other thought... just a thought I had as I read this...you cant hold someone back or they will resent it.
Wonderfully written. Thanks for sharing it with me!
nice site. I will be back later.
luxie,
i'll need to take some leisurely time later to peruse this. errands, errands, errands......blech...and still a sick child..
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