I blog

so I blog.
and it's been a year.
that's what it said in my profile. not this one.
the one where I freely set my laughter free.
that's the one.

and what hasn't been said about reasons why people blog? every speckle..every minute particle of "why" has been extrapolated.

all valid.
all real.

so I blog.

i blog to tell you that I exist. but it's not always you. more often, I have to remind Me that I exist. and that I am not a flab of flesh wedged within a sandpile of voices.

i exist.

i breath.

i matter.

so be it.

someday..I will cease to exist

so.

so much has been said about connections

that blogging connects people. i've been connected. some real. some surreal.

i don't question. i accept.

of all the revolutionary creations that this line of life has produced..will produce...giving voice to souls who exist..souls who sometimes take animated forms...who travel cyber bearing a different identity....

is the most astounding of all....

i will not see you ever...

i will not see the color of your eyes...

nor the strike of sunlight in your hair...

but you are there

i read about you

as i am here

though you will not see me...

the color of my eyes

nor the strike of sunlight in my hair

ever

so..i blog

WHat My Life Isn't

I don't want me to ever be like this....this feeling of lost inside..not seeing anything that is beautiful around me..not being able to enjoy anything I eat or drink....a cup of coffee that used to be sultry to my taste just went bland..and the palm trees that used to sway for me seemed ominous in my sight..everything went dark and black and just not existing in my world...and I know when it all started....

it started when we drove through those houses you wanted me to see..those big mansions you said we deserved...and you went on and on about the things we don't have that others do..and I'm used to these moods of yours I know..but this time it hit me too...made me wonder about "our life"...wondered in panic..thinking what sort of life we have when we dont have the right" things you point out....and you don't know the panic I felt inside because I listened to you venting your frustrations.....wanting to undertsand.....and so..your frustrations became mine....

And I lost all color....

And everything I saw became blurred....

And everything that I did just felt wrong....

And nothing that I do is just enough to reach what we ought to have...

and I felt our life was a waste..and...that...everything in me...was just plain stupid....and what a burden I am to you....

and that's not what you mean I know..I know....

you want to strike out on your own..and you want me to say you can do it....this time around....

but what you don't realize is that no matter how many times I say I believe in you..if you don't believe in yourself there's nothing I can do....

and that I believe our life is fine as it is....until of course you pointed out what our life isn't....

It isn't loaded with luxury....

and deep inside I felt a hurt thinking why don't I have that house?....aNd I thought more of the things I didn't have..

and the more I thought about it...the further I sank....

but you don't know this...

Grande Smiles....

I don't flirt.

Swear.

Don't know how....anymore.

Don't have to.

No reason.

Whatever.

So yesterday I put on a ratty pair of old sweat pants and a blue sport shirt. Went walking in ATC just feeling glum' dee' dm' dum'. Stopped at a Chanel ad....stared...nice gorgeous lady....looking..perfumed...

Could feel my eyebags dangling coz' I was sleepy at 8 am..while walking...undecided on whether to have breakfast at Dulcineas or Seattle's Best.....or..Figaro.....wasn't in the mood for coffee so I sat down in an inconspicous corner...did my hair and applied makeup..just so I wouldn't look like a walking undead...

After late lunch with my Romeo ....we went to have my shots....( dog bite) at the center.... then he left me for a while to get something from his nearby office...

I wait..wait..I can wait..wait...

So he comes along and I get in the car....then he pulls up at S Bucks and tells me to grab a Cappuccino...So okey I go....Got out of the car..went in..faced the counter...this guy has his head down....

He looks up....

I look down to fish for money...

Can I get you anything ma'am?...

I look up...

He smiles...small smile...

I smile...

He smiles..wider smile..nice dazzling smile..

I smile....wider smile...

He stares...

Cappuccino...I say..

He doesn't speak....

Cappuccino...???..I repeat..

He says oh' yes...smiles..shy smile...looks down still smiling..he gets a cup and a pen...

I giggle inside of me...

your name ma'am?..

I need grande?..I say...eyeing the regular cup

Oh'..yes...sorry...looks at me smiling...very charming smile...

I smile...

I think to myself..what's the matter with this kid?...( about 26..27..28 max)...

Can I get your name?...he asks...looks into my eyes...

Rrrr..I give my name...

He stares at me...repeats it...smiles...

That's when it hit me....He's flrting with me...

I giggle inside and say...

That will be a cappuccino grande....wet...

He smiles....repeats what I said....holds a glance....then takes my money still looking at me...

and I get the change..I smile at him...and give back a look...

I sit fronting the counter..He makes my drink..looks at me..then looks down..looks at me..then looks down smiling....

He has long lashes...nice..very charming smile....very red lips....

He calls....my name....Cappuccino for Rrrr....

I get off my chair....but somebody beats me there....

Me' Romeo heads straight for the counter and takes it from him......

And Romeo drapes an arm over me...and says something...and we talk and move on....

We buy something from this store...and he looks down at his coffee and says..I need sugar...please get me some hon.....

So I head back to S B with the cup...went straight to the counter and asks this lady for a certain kind ov' sugar...

He looks up at me then quickly...reaches under....

Hands me sugar....smiles...

Here R..have a nice day...looks at me' eyes......

and I say..you too...

and I walk out smilin'....

So I'm thinkin'....I don't need any other man's attention....but when somebody.....I don't know surprisingly hands out a genuine smile of appreciation I'll take it....It makes me feel... not really special..that's not the word..but it makes me feel....more of a lady.....makes me feel young....and carefree once again....like a pat of confidence....

I'll be around the vicinity tomorrow....maybe I'll get another smile...

( wink..wink...)....

kidding...

Flare

Oh' you know I love ya' honey...don't have to prove that...But baby.....you keep telling me to keep it down...you keep telling me to take this step and that..and baby..you keep takin' out my words and followin' my path and just lately baby...you've been coverin' my mouth a tad too hard so the neighbors won't hear...

Ain't misbehain' honey...just....beading..words..together...for me....for me....for me.....

And I love my home you see..and I love my votive lights and my ottoman pillows and my arabian carpets..And I love my kitchen and I love my green tapestry of plants..and I love the whirr of my washer..and I love..love..love the me with you when we're together alone...and no one can see....but what we see together........all we have is fantastic......

And I know why you want me...why it's this way.....

You want me because you can never have all that I am..and I bait you with my thoughts..and I make you wonder...I can do that..to live with you and still make you wonder..and I'll never drape all of me...never.....

......to you I will be forever a mystery....entwined in my fingers.....wrapped in my arms....

So Baby......when you walk my steps...that's okay...when you read my world...that's okay....when you think my thoughts...I want that...but...

when you teach me to walk the way you do....when you take away my words and...judge my emotions.....you'll hush me.....

So here I am...just one moment away from you..to be me..once again....once in awhile..when I need to shout..or scream or sigh..or moan in ecstacy...alone....

my words.....burning....burning....burning.......

hot....

Flare...